to infinity and beyond

we were on vacation at the beach this past week and on one of the rainy days we visited the local aerospace museum. lo and behold...space diggy and daddy!

walk and poke

the other day diggy and i went on a walk with his poker. he found this large grass stem and experienced great joy when poking things with it. he poked things high and low and loved every minute of it. i enjoyed joining him in the experience of walking while poking anything that could possibly be poked, including mommy. it reminded me that toys from the toy store can never compare to a found object and diggy's imagination.

should i write a dear mom?

i've been toying around with the idea of writing a letter to my mother. she's 72 and always talking about the day she'll be "pushing up daisies." she has already outlived her sister and brother, and the death of her sister two years ago really changed something in her. it is as if being the last member of her family to be alive devastated her, changed her spirit.

my mom raised me alone. my father left when i was 7. at the time my brother and sister were 17 and 20, respectively. for me, it was just me and her with my brother and sister entering the picture every once and a while when they struggled with their independence. sometime after college my relationship with my mother changed because i changed. i changed for the good for me, i think, but as i look back, it's as if my changing left my mother behind and left her alone.

i know that that is the function of having children and of being that child that grows up. the parents are left and the child starts their own life. but for my mother, because she was single, it was, and has been, a different kind of leaving. leaving my mother left her alone with a life she didn't have, with a life that was full of me and now was empty because i took me away.

now that i am spending more time with my mother because she is 72 and because i have diggy and little mama, i feel that loss and emptiness. i see that shell of her and i don't want to fill it, but i feel the need to do something.

so, i'm thinking of writing her a letter, but i'm not quite sure what to say. but now that she's talking about "pushing up daisies" i don't want to miss my opportunity to say something to her or learn something from her. i just don't know where to go with this...

this is how she rolls

sad to see it go

diggy calls my mom "abuela." in diggy speak it sounds like "abwevua." this past week the "V" sound in the last syllable became "L." it now sounds like abuela. i'm sad to see it change. proud of diggy, but it's a definite growing pain for me.

day out with thomas

yesterday we took diggy to see thomas. he was so excited. it's just wonderful to see your child light up inside. he's been talking about it ever since. i would love a sliver of that zest for something. there's something so pure about it.

mom zombie

these days i've been feeling quite lost. i know i'm not unique. i know my situation is not special. i think i'm feeling like a lot of mothers i read about. i'm completely sucked into meeting the needs of my children. so much so that i can bear to do anything for my husband or for myself. when my children don't need me, i'm a zombie.

i can't quite figure out how to break this spell. i'm stuck in a funk and just can't seem to find myself. how do other women do it? how do they disloge themselves from the auto-pilot of motherhood?

7 months

little mama is 7 months now and she's just completely delicious. she keeps me on my toes and is utterly in love with her big brother. i'm constantly amazed at how natural her love for her brother developed. she can't take her eyes off him. i'm sure her first word will be diggy. i can't blame her. who wouldn't be mesmerized by watching this face all day?

oooh the pain...

i knew the day would come when i would hear the words i most feared hearing. what i dreaded most about becoming a parent, aside from having one of my children be ill, was hearing them say hurtful words. maybe i'm a wuss, but diggy said some things to me last week that just rocked me to my core. it hurt so bad i was stunned and didn't cry until the following day. i guess i thought i would hear this at 5+ years, but never did i expect to hear it at 3 1/2.

during a tantrum he said, "you are ruining my life. i want a new mommy. can you get me a new mommy?"

i feel like making excuses for myself, for how hurt i feel. even if i am being a sensitive baby, it hurt and that's real. i have to find a way to get past this quickly, because the next time i can't let it get to me. i think it just means that i'm doing my job, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

sibling love

it's nearly impossible to get pictures of the love diggy shows little mama...these don't even come close to the best moments they had today.

sleeping with my buds

this is how diggy sleeps, with about 25 friends. he loves it, and i can't blame him. lined up next to him are his favorites: quentin coyote, pinky bear, farfalooten (the seal), and grizzy. his ultimate buddy, roscoe (an otter) is by his feet. these days he doesn't go anywhere without roscoe and farfalooten.

the favorite shoes

when i was a kid i had a definite sense of style. i shopped at thrift stores, wore my hair very short and wore men's shirts and bow ties with long skirts and doc marten's. these are the new shoes diggy picked out for himself this past weekend. he's definitely got style.

just like my little sister

i bathe little mama in our bathroom sink because i just can't manage the baby tub. the tub has a net thing for small babies, that in my mind just holds her above the water so she freezes (and cries) while bathing. so i abandoned the tub and have a happy baby bather in our sink. i just put her on a wash cloth so she doesn't slip, and viola! i have a warm, sudsy bean happily getting clean.

once diggy saw this he was desperate to try. at 3+ he's a bit too big for the sink. i thought he accepted my "no" to his repeated request, but this is what i found when i returned from getting little mama from her morning nap. oy!

this makes it all worth it

no explanation necessary...